The Etiquette Of Dealing With Neighbours

In a frantic bid to avoid dealing with the looming spectre of Israel and the frankly horrendous atrocities recently committed, I ask the following: How does one deal with neighbours having alarmingly loud sex?

It’s not an isolated incident; they have their windows open and the woman sounds like she’s having her legs sawn off with a blunt hacksaw. We live in a block of flats with paper-thin walls (I swear I can hear the man next door farting sometimes) I have a feeling these people are exhibitionists, or extraordinarily selfish, or both. Because although I’ve nothing against whatever it is they’re doing (sawing legs off excepted) it really is something they don’t need to share with the rest of the block. At 3am. Or indeed 9am. At ear-piercing volume.

Last night they were at it, and frankly it was putting me off my book. And that is no way to endear yourself to me. So I opened the window and yelled “Will you please keep it down, you noisy bastards! There are kids trying to sleep.” (There are actually kids in the flats too, although I can’t verify whether or not they were trying to sleep, but I feel sorry for their parents having to explain some of her noises to them…) I felt a little guilty, sure, but they shut up immediately. Maybe they shut the windows, or turned off the microphone. Either way, I got to read my book in peace, and that’s all that matters, right?

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